Ha! Sorry, I had to do it.
"So, I Married An Axe Murderer" is one of my all time favorite movies and I just couldn't resist entitling this blog post with a quote from that movie.
I just wish somehow I could add in the little hand gesture. Make sure you do it every time you read the title to this blog post.
Ready? Let's try it together.
"Get me off this thing called....(hand gesture) Love."
(And if you have no idea what the heck I am talking about, do yourself a favor and get that movie!)
So this thing... love. The basis of all relationships and interactions. The one (pure, true) thing that keeps us connected...
is so dang hard to figure out.
I've been silent for awhile because the ONE thing that keeps popping in my head to blog about is the one thing that confuses me the most. And it's the thing that keeps us going.
It's vital.
Love connects partners. It connects families, friends, siblings... it connects us to movements, to passions, to missions... we see it in nature, in our pets... it is what moves us closer to our Creator.
It is what our Creator IS.
The absence of love brings turmoil, anger, hate, disconnect, confusion. Dark.
But, let's define love for a moment... because I'm not talking about Valentine's day, people!
What I am talking about is respect.
I am talking about a love that works for the greater good of humanity. A love that sees all people, all beings, all the world in the light of the Kingdom: as it should be. I am talking about freedom, choice... about valuing the needs of others around us in the same way we value our own.
Here's an idea, scroll through Facebook for a second, you'll find many people highlighting the need for choice, for freedom, for respect. Many people are raising funds for wonderful causes, advertising their passions and gushing over some of the small glimpses of "hope in humanity."
Love is much bigger than just my marriage, your marriage. It's bigger than just the way we choose to raise our children, the way we cultivate our relationships with our parents and siblings.
But is it?
We all seem to have a deep "want" to see humans live in harmony with each other but our marriages are falling apart. Christians all seem to want the love of Jesus to be spread far and wide, but do their children feel it? We want to accomplish great things, but have we accomplished the seemingly small things?
As I trip and fall and trip and fall down this parenting path, the one thing that remains true is that change starts with me. But not just me, me and them. Me and you.
Did I love them well? Have I loved you well?
That needs to be my question after an argument with my husband, after my daughter takes a crayon to the wall, after I get home from an interview and after a phone call from my brother.
Did I love them well?
No wait, did THEY feel that I loved them well?
THAT'S the thing folks. We can't gauge our own love goodness!
I guess that's what I have been trying to do forever now. Let me explain.
So, there are these 5 love languages. They are outlined in some popular book. You can even take a test to see what your top two are.
Bah! Love languages!
If you are anything like me, you think this love language stuff is downright discouraging. You immediately think about how you and your husband have completely different love languages and how it's is a daily struggle, I mean, task, ahem, privilege, to learn the ways each other needs to be loved to bring the relationship to new and deeper heights with every successful, loving and selfless interaction.
Honestly, that love language book... makes me gag.
I don't know, I get it, I just don't know if I buy into it... completely anyway. Shouldn't adults be able to show love and receive love in all different ways? Isn't love some sort of universal language?
Why, then, when I write sweet notes in a journal for my husband he hardly ever writes back?!
Love letters are love letters, surely he can feel the love through them!
Yet, he complains when hugs are cut short, or a busy family day passes by and he doesn't feel as if we've had quality time. Didn't we just spend the whole freaking day together?!
Obviously, I am missing something.
And per usual God speaks to me through my children.
I've noticed in the past, our daughter physically cringing when people (ourselves included) ask for kisses. God forbid, someone try to give her one! She will spit on her hand and wipe it off in one seemingly rude swipe.
This kills her dad. He loves to "smooch her face" and incessantly asks for kisses.
I, on the other hand, totally get it. The only difference is, I wait until people aren't looking before I wipe off the lingering spit and feeling.
At first, I was horrified. Kids learn by example right?! I've tried so hard to suck it up and not let my kids see how uncomfortable I get when people are physically affectionate towards me and I most certainly try never to avoid a kiss from their dad even if he has fallen short (like I never do!) in some spouse-ly duty.
So I just couldn't figure out HOW Judah learned to not like kisses then?
She not only refuses offers, but she wipes off blind sides too!
Then I realized something: Judah may not like to be hugged, or kissed, and her idea of snuggling is laying next to someone with absolutely no touching involved at all, but she tells us she loves us 1200 times a day. She encourages us when she sees that we are struggling and she compliments our hard work. She thanks us for dinners cooked, outings, help... anything!
While out to lunch one day with her grandparents, one who is particularly affectionate (even though it is usually not reciprocated), said to her "Judah, I saw the painting that you are working on and I think it's beautiful! You have done some great work!"
Do you know what she did? That little stinker! She turned around and gave the biggest kiss ever!
She felt love, so she returned the love.
And kids, man, there's so much to learn from them... she didn't return the love with a thank you or another compliment or encouraging word. She didn't return the love with a gift of some sort. She met that person in a way that THEY would feel loved.
She KISSED them. The very thing that she detests!
THAT'S a relationship -- becoming in tune with the people around us--the needs of the people around us. We can work and work and work until the cows come home (is that a thing?) on bettering ourselves and becoming the person that WE want to be but until we can become the person that THEY need us to be our relationships can not fully bloom, our relationships can't be the examples that we hope they would be.
That this world desperately needs them to be.
So yeah, change starts with me. But it starts with me, thinking about you.
