I just have so much to get out in this tiny blog post.
These lessons, these thoughts and ideas... they dance around in my head taking up precious space. I make lists so I don't forget, but it doesn't matter. The dance doesn't end until I get them OUT. So this blog... this is for me, mostly. I share because it's nice to know I'm not alone. And if I think that, than you probably think it's nice to know YOU aren't alone. So I'm sharing.
But mostly... I just need to get it out.
Today there is just too much. Too much to get out in the minute amount of time between my eyes holding themselves open and my eyes giving up the fight. So this post will probably continue on, for one, maybe two, more times. Bear with me. I hope it all comes together.
I'll start with an update. Awhile ago when I wrote this post, I was feeling like a major failure as a mom. I was feeling like a fanatical, crazy, looney person. It was one of those moments when I couldn't have been more grateful that Mary lost Jesus.
I felt like my kids were turning out terribly. I felt like they were learning awful habits and inheriting crazy mindsets and obsessive behaviors from me. ME! The one who was supposed to be their example.
The one who they spend 99% of their time with was losing her mind.
Well, I just have to update here. So that I know that at some point in my life I was capable of change. I was capable of seeing a mistake and changing it-- even if it's not consistent, even if it doesn't last forever. I am still malleable and teachable. And that's what matters right? No one is perfect, but if God can change us, if He can move us, then theres HOPE.
Phew.
Since that blog post, my floor is crumby, and sticky. There's clutter around-- and I do freak out. I do feel my heart beat a bit faster, but not nearly as much. I have made it a point to spend more time with music on. I have made it a point to pray out loud more, to worship out loud more. I have made it a point to be silly and to use my imagination. I have even made it a point to spend more time outside.
This is what I hear from J now:
"Mom, we forgot to pray! Can you pray for us?"
or
"I think I'll pray by myself tonight."
(She even found her own little spot on the night stand where she talks to God in the sweetest little whisper, and thanks Him for nearly everything imaginable).
I hardly ever hear "It's a mess in here!" Instead I hear randomly throughout the day...
"Mom, I just love you."
"Simon, buddy, I love you."
"Hey Dad? I love you."
ALL. THE. TIME.
The other day after we visited a friend, J and I decided to pick up dinner for everyone back at home. I pulled into a parking spot in the Chipotle plaza, J yells out, "Mom! You did it! You made it to Chipotle! Great job!"
And she thanks us frequently for the smallest things.
She is developing the most thankful, kind, loving and encouraging heart.
My eyes well up and my throat gets lumpy, but not for the same reasons as before.
I see it. I see Him moving. As He changes and molds me into the full expression of who I was created to be-- she is released to be who He has created her to be too.
Wow.
Taking a step back and realizing where we are broken, realizing where we are in need of a grace-filled God is not only necessary for our personal development and well-being, it's necessary for our kid's as well.
This parenting thing-- this is NOT what I signed up for. It's kind of better ;)
