Update: Dang right, you must get that from your mother! Part One.

I just have so much to get out in this tiny blog post.

These lessons, these thoughts and ideas... they dance around in my head taking up precious space. I make lists so I don't forget, but it doesn't matter. The dance doesn't end until I get them OUT. So this blog... this is for me, mostly. I share because it's nice to know I'm not alone. And if I think that, than you probably think it's nice to know YOU aren't alone. So I'm sharing.

But mostly... I just need to get it out.

Today there is just too much. Too much to get out in the minute amount of time between my eyes holding themselves open and my eyes giving up the fight. So this post will probably continue on, for one, maybe two, more times. Bear with me. I hope it all comes together.

I'll start with an update. Awhile ago when I wrote this post, I was feeling like a major failure as a mom. I was feeling like a fanatical, crazy, looney person. It was one of those moments when I couldn't have been more grateful that Mary lost Jesus.

I felt like my kids were turning out terribly. I felt like they were learning awful habits and inheriting crazy mindsets and obsessive behaviors from me. ME! The one who was supposed to be their example.

The one who they spend 99% of their time with was losing her mind.

Well, I just have to update here. So that I know that at some point in my life I was capable of change. I was capable of seeing a mistake and changing it-- even if it's not consistent, even if it doesn't last forever. I am still malleable and teachable. And that's what matters right? No one is perfect, but if God can change us, if He can move us, then theres HOPE.

Phew.

Since that blog post, my floor is crumby, and sticky. There's clutter around-- and I do freak out. I do feel my heart beat a bit faster, but not nearly as much. I have made it a point to spend more time with music on. I have made it a point to pray out loud more, to worship out loud more. I have made it a point to be silly and to use my imagination. I have even made it a point to spend more time outside.

This is what I hear from J now:

"Mom, we forgot to pray! Can you pray for us?"
or
"I think I'll pray by myself tonight."

(She even found her own little spot on the night stand where she talks to God in the sweetest little whisper, and thanks Him for nearly everything imaginable).

I hardly ever hear "It's a mess in here!" Instead I hear randomly throughout the day...
"Mom, I just love you."
"Simon, buddy, I love you."
"Hey Dad? I love you."

ALL. THE. TIME.

The other day after we visited a friend, J and I decided to pick up dinner for everyone back at home. I pulled into a parking spot in the Chipotle plaza, J yells out, "Mom! You did it! You made it to Chipotle! Great job!"

And she thanks us frequently for the smallest things.

She is developing the most thankful, kind, loving and encouraging heart.

My eyes well up and my throat gets lumpy, but not for the same reasons as before.

I see it. I see Him moving. As He changes and molds me into the full expression of who I was created to be-- she is released to be who He has created her to be too.

Wow.

Taking a step back and realizing where we are broken, realizing where we are in need of a grace-filled God is not only necessary for our personal development and well-being, it's necessary for our kid's as well.

This parenting thing-- this is NOT what I signed up for. It's kind of better ;)

Sick on Christmas

Christmas is around the corner, so shouldn't I be filled with joy?

I love making hot cocoa and snuggling up with my family. I love brainstorming about the perfect gift for each family member and I love love love when they come in the mail! Wrapping is fun. Christmas smells are delicious. Mariah Carey Christmas tunes are music to my ears.

These things make me so happy.

But I'm not going to lie and say that I am constantly filled with joy when thinking about the approaching holiday. Actually it's quite the opposite. When I think about the actual days of Christmas festivities I start to feel a bit faint.

Like, sick actually.

I start thinking about missed naps, late bedtimes, tantrums, well-meaning family members who are way to willing to fill little children with loads and loads of SWEETS, traveling and toys that make noise!

This does not describe a joyful holiday for me.

I'm not here to complain though.

Here is a rundown of my first christmas with a child.

Actually, I just tried to access that part of my memory and I think I may have blocked it out.

All I can remember is Christmas day. It was not too bad,  but my little lady was running low on sleep because of Christmas Eve Eve and Christmas Eve with her other family. At seven months old, she sat on the floor while everyone opened their gifts. When it came time for hers, family members naturally wanted to hold her and open her gifts with her. I watched as she fussed and half cried, not wanting to be held. While people kept saying (in the best way possible) "No, you don't want mommy now, here! let's open some gifts!" I remember my brain being absolutely fried. FRIED. It was like, all of the check engine lights were flashing in my brain, all lit up saying "Leave her alone, she's just tired!!"

I wish I could remember the full Christmas to properly describe the days that preceded this one and led me to the breakdown, but I can't. And frankly, I don't think I want to.

I had to bring this to God because I absolutely could not have this happen every single holiday and we still had one more family to visit!

He showed me, what you are probably thinking right now.

I have control issues.

I know this, I know that I know what is best for my children, based on what God has shown me and past experience, but sometimes, even this has to be let go a bit. Hanging on to anything can develop into control. God was showing me that if I try to control everything-- even with the best intentions-- then I am not allowing Him to come close. I am actually keeping myself from experiencing God even more. More importantly, He showed me that this world is not ideal. It is fallen. When I try to ALWAYS  keep my children's environments at the ideal temperature, I am robbing them. I am taking away from them the opportunity to learn how to function in a less than ideal world, and I am actually (this is hard to type) keeping God further away from them as well. I stand in place of Holy Spirit who was sent to us as comforter and guide to learn how to navigate this world no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

Phew.

As are many things with God, this was comforting, refreshing and extremely hard to swallow.

How can I be ok just sitting back? WELL! That's where this past thanksgiving came into play. I tried just sitting back. Letting it allllll slide. The lady had lots of good thanksgiving food accompanied by 2 solo cups filled with orange juice, cherry pie, pumpkin pie and three layer cake. Family members smiled and giggled at her extreme desire for junk food and her oh so adorable tantrum when I tried to say no. When we got home (past her bedtime and with no nap) bed time was out of control. We both just sat and cried. It was terrible.

To God I went. What was going on?!?

He encouraged me to put the two together and see what happens. Combining what I know to be best, but with room for movement so that Holy Spirit could guide both me and my children creates BALANCE. He spoke that He has given me the ability to know what is best for my children, I have to stick to that, but I can't let myself go absolutely crazy when things aren't going exactly as planned. There has to be a balance.

So here is the balance challenge this Christmas. Christmas eve and Christmas day are planned. Last minute we are asked to tack on two more events back to back, making 4 days of family events in a row.

Excuse me while I grab a paper bag and take deep breaths.

I simply said no. Nope. No. We aren't doing both. I have a responsibility to my children and my family to keep the stress levels low--to make Christmas enjoyable.

This is in fact the celebration of our Savior's birth. It can be so easily forgotten.

Lord, help me as I keep trying to find the balance!

Any tips on how to keep Christmas' bipolar qualities at bay?