SO THAT

Hi there.

It's been a really long time. Well over a year. I've thought about dusting off the old blog, I even have a list of blog topics-- lessons learned over the past few years. Somehow, I just haven't gotten to it. I could blame it on time, not ever having enough of it, or the fact that my husband got a new job, that I've been building a business, I was pregnant, I had a 2 year old... blah blah blah.  There are so many excuses and they all have truth to them, but as I washed dishes tonight, choked up and teary, I realized something. Those aren't the real reasons.

The real reasons lie in the fact that life isn't cute anymore.

I  can no longer screw up a little, learn a lesson and laugh later about it. The reality is my kids aren't *just* cute anymore. My kids are five and three and oh wait, there's another one, surprise! And although that may seem very young in the grand scheme of things, it's still old enough for me to hear that they like dad best. It's still old enough for them to yell at me and tell me that I am a terrible mom and that they don't like me anymore, that I don't listen and wait for it-- I "never let them do anything they want to do."

That somewhere over the past year and a half or so, parenting went from something that I felt like I was good at, even with the mistakes and the mess,

to something that just felt like mistakes and mess. 

And so, yeah, I didn't want to blog about that.

I've been asking myself lately what I want my kids to remember most about me. When I have made my departure from this earth, what will it be that I "always used to say"?  What' s been coming to mind lately and what I have taken to mentioning to them is the good ol' Golden Rule. Super original, I know. But really, it covers everything.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."  It's beautiful.

Tonight, as I got the last child in bed, I strolled out into the kitchen. Exhausted. Looking at the mess, thinking about how late it would be once I had it all cleaned up and if, by then, would I want to work? Probably not. As I looked around, I noticed the walls. I noticed amazing three-year old artwork taped onto the walls. I remembered how the plastic cutlery and reusable table cloth were out on the coffee table. I realized that the kids were planning a party.

I looked back at the scribbled on piece of paper and realized that there were only three sides taped up and a roll of masking tape on the floor. I had sternly asked Simon to get out of the kitchen while his brother tried to fall asleep in the next room. He tried to explain that he needed to finish taping---

I didn't listen.

I picked him up and brought him in the other room and he cried. I realize now, in the quiet, that he just wanted to finish putting the paper up. I realize what a big deal that was for him and what not a big deal it was for me to let him do it.

I just wanted the baby to sleep.

Earlier that morning, I was getting everyone ready to get out of the house so I could go to physical therapy. I knew the littlest would need to eat soon, but PT isn't exactly the type of appointment that can accommodate a nursing baby, I thought. So, I sat on the bed, with twenty minutes to be on time, in my PJs, breastfeeding. Stressed that we would be late, I called out to the older two "Hey guys! Can you come here a minute?" Nothing. "Hey guys, please respond." Nothing. "Hey guys! I have something important I need to ask you." Nothing.

All I wanted was to ask them to get their shoes on. But nothing. They never responded.

I felt mad, sad, hurt. Stressed.

Later I told them how hurt I feel when it seems like they don't care about anything that I say.

Tonight, as I sit here staring at the unfinished tape job, I am realizing something else. I've spent the first years of their life priding myself on how much I respect my children. How I strive to treat them as whole human beings from the beginning, deserving of love and respect always. I liked to blog about that. It felt good.

I realize that now that they are a bit bigger, now that they have real actual voices, words, sentences, monologues...

I don't really care to listen. And that doesn't feel good. That's not something I want to blog about.

Maybe I'm too busy to listen or maybe what they have to say and what they want to do doesn't fit into the way I imagine our day should go. I realize that as I am encouraging them to "do to others as they would do to you", am I?

There's a whole lot of crazy going on in this world right now. And as much as I want to be at all the things and show all my support for all the movements, my movement has to be right here, right now. I have the future staring back at me and it's my job to show my children how to treat others. It's more important than ever for me to show kindness, love, acceptance and faith. It has to start here, in my home, with the way that I treat them. I can no longer do to them SO THAT they will do to me.

"SO THAT" is a problem. "SO THAT" is an agenda. "SO THAT" is to blame for a lot of the crazy.

He doesn't say "so that". He says to treat others with respect and love, period. Treat others the way you want to be treated, period.

And tomorrow, I will start.