You must get that from your mother

There are crumbs covering the kitchen counter. There are smushed blueberries all over the kitchen floor. The coffee table that I am resting my feet on is covered with keys, a jean jacket, books, a pretend baking pan, a water bottle, crocs, a paper towel with Chipotle chip crumbs on it, a journal, a shirt, a pair of feet pajamas, wipes, six tea-party cups, two bibs, a remote control, a sheet of stickers and a baby ergo.

It's a mess in here. 

That's not to mention the couch that I made room to sit on. 

I can only BEGIN to tell you how much this mess makes my head spin. It's constant. All. The. Time. It's no matter how many times I put things away, they come back. Everyone hears about it. The kids, the cats, my friends, my mommy acquaintances, and my husband. 

This mess has it's own blog post for goodness sakes! 

The mess stresses me out and poisons every part of my life. When the house is messy I feel distracted. I feel dirty, I feel busy, I feel like I can't sit and enjoy, well, anything. I'm constantly moving. Constantly telling the kids "in a minute, let me just clean up..."  and constantly pushing my husband away so I can wipe a countertop or clean a dish. I can hardly focus on writing this post because the coffee table looks the way it does! 

Clutter has hijacked my life. 

Lately, Ive been hearing things like this out of my almost three year-old's mouth: 

"It's a mess in here!" 

"Mom, can you fix my bed, it's a mess!"

"Let me just wipe my baby's face, it's a mess!" 

I'm remembering how impressionable children are. For better... or worse. 

My eyes well up a bit, my throat gets lumpy. 

Lately, I've also been hearing things like this: 

Me: "Let's thank God for our meal, do you want to pray?"

J: "No."

"Stop praying mom."

"I don't want to pray, you pray." 

Or,

Me: "Did Jesus say anything to you?"

J: "No, he was sleeping."

What kind of example am I setting for my children? Am I who I want them to be? 

Why do I pray and worship when they can't see but fret and worry when they can? 

Will I be proud when someone says "You must get that from your mother..."?

I look again at the coffee table. The kitchen counter. There are muffin crumbs because we had a breakfast treat this morning. There are keys because we went outside today. There are books because we love to read and visit the library. There are crocs because I found the perfect orange crocs on sale today that I know J will just love! There is a paper towel with chip crumbs because we shared a snack together. There is a a tea party set and baking pans because my daughter loves to use her imagination! The list could go on. 

A friend mentioned to me today that perspective is key. That choosing joy is necessary. 

I am going to do that. No matter what the control freak, type A in me says, I am going to do that.

And when the kids wake up, I am going to turn up the music and let them see me worship-- even if I'm standing on blueberries and muffin crumbs!

Sick on Christmas

Christmas is around the corner, so shouldn't I be filled with joy?

I love making hot cocoa and snuggling up with my family. I love brainstorming about the perfect gift for each family member and I love love love when they come in the mail! Wrapping is fun. Christmas smells are delicious. Mariah Carey Christmas tunes are music to my ears.

These things make me so happy.

But I'm not going to lie and say that I am constantly filled with joy when thinking about the approaching holiday. Actually it's quite the opposite. When I think about the actual days of Christmas festivities I start to feel a bit faint.

Like, sick actually.

I start thinking about missed naps, late bedtimes, tantrums, well-meaning family members who are way to willing to fill little children with loads and loads of SWEETS, traveling and toys that make noise!

This does not describe a joyful holiday for me.

I'm not here to complain though.

Here is a rundown of my first christmas with a child.

Actually, I just tried to access that part of my memory and I think I may have blocked it out.

All I can remember is Christmas day. It was not too bad,  but my little lady was running low on sleep because of Christmas Eve Eve and Christmas Eve with her other family. At seven months old, she sat on the floor while everyone opened their gifts. When it came time for hers, family members naturally wanted to hold her and open her gifts with her. I watched as she fussed and half cried, not wanting to be held. While people kept saying (in the best way possible) "No, you don't want mommy now, here! let's open some gifts!" I remember my brain being absolutely fried. FRIED. It was like, all of the check engine lights were flashing in my brain, all lit up saying "Leave her alone, she's just tired!!"

I wish I could remember the full Christmas to properly describe the days that preceded this one and led me to the breakdown, but I can't. And frankly, I don't think I want to.

I had to bring this to God because I absolutely could not have this happen every single holiday and we still had one more family to visit!

He showed me, what you are probably thinking right now.

I have control issues.

I know this, I know that I know what is best for my children, based on what God has shown me and past experience, but sometimes, even this has to be let go a bit. Hanging on to anything can develop into control. God was showing me that if I try to control everything-- even with the best intentions-- then I am not allowing Him to come close. I am actually keeping myself from experiencing God even more. More importantly, He showed me that this world is not ideal. It is fallen. When I try to ALWAYS  keep my children's environments at the ideal temperature, I am robbing them. I am taking away from them the opportunity to learn how to function in a less than ideal world, and I am actually (this is hard to type) keeping God further away from them as well. I stand in place of Holy Spirit who was sent to us as comforter and guide to learn how to navigate this world no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

Phew.

As are many things with God, this was comforting, refreshing and extremely hard to swallow.

How can I be ok just sitting back? WELL! That's where this past thanksgiving came into play. I tried just sitting back. Letting it allllll slide. The lady had lots of good thanksgiving food accompanied by 2 solo cups filled with orange juice, cherry pie, pumpkin pie and three layer cake. Family members smiled and giggled at her extreme desire for junk food and her oh so adorable tantrum when I tried to say no. When we got home (past her bedtime and with no nap) bed time was out of control. We both just sat and cried. It was terrible.

To God I went. What was going on?!?

He encouraged me to put the two together and see what happens. Combining what I know to be best, but with room for movement so that Holy Spirit could guide both me and my children creates BALANCE. He spoke that He has given me the ability to know what is best for my children, I have to stick to that, but I can't let myself go absolutely crazy when things aren't going exactly as planned. There has to be a balance.

So here is the balance challenge this Christmas. Christmas eve and Christmas day are planned. Last minute we are asked to tack on two more events back to back, making 4 days of family events in a row.

Excuse me while I grab a paper bag and take deep breaths.

I simply said no. Nope. No. We aren't doing both. I have a responsibility to my children and my family to keep the stress levels low--to make Christmas enjoyable.

This is in fact the celebration of our Savior's birth. It can be so easily forgotten.

Lord, help me as I keep trying to find the balance!

Any tips on how to keep Christmas' bipolar qualities at bay?