Dang right, you must get that from your mother! Part two.

Finally!! A minute to sit and get the second part of this enormous lesson out of my head.

It's becoming more and more clear to me that we become parents not only to, and maybe I will even dare to say, NOT to parent new humans, but to explore and learn and be guided in a whole new side of ourselves that God put in us for HIS purposes.

It (being life, everything in life) is always about our relationship with him. Always. It never isn't.

And yes, of course, to achieve all of the goodness God has on this parenting journey, we must in fact be PARENTS, but ultimately we are ALL His children. He has us. He has them.

We are just standing in--

and in my little opinion, it's not because he needs us to. It's because we need us to.

Mind. Blown.

I think about my dear Simon boy a lot. I love him. I take care of him. I can tell you his schedule, I can sort of tell you his likes, I can definitely tell you his dislikes-- and I can tell you most of this in the context of Judah-- his big sister. Naturally, he is the stereotypical second child. I have in fact, not only forgotten his name, but I have forgotten he exists.

For instance, Simon likes when Judah jumps up and down. Simon doesn't like Judah to take toys from him. Meal times are mostly about screaming for food because I am not only focused on feeding him but also feeding his sister. These said screaming sessions, lead me to believe that he really likes to eat... so forth and so on. I learn about him, mostly because of his interactions with his big sister.

and this isn't bad, it is what it is.

 He was born into a family with a sister who likes to manage, likes to talk, a lot, likes to oversee and organize-- He will be the person he was destined to be largely because of the circumstances he was born into. Hence why many first borns, second borns etc. are predictable in many ways.

 Anyway, Simon was in his 10th month of life and really didn't have any words at all.

 NOW before anyone starts thinking that I am expecting too much, or thinking that I think he should be more like his sister-- that's not what this is about. I am the SPOKESPERSON for kids developing on their own timelines-- and not forcing anything on them.
I wasn't concerned about his speech or development.

I was concerned for my sanity.

I couldn't take the screaming and yelling for what he needed (specifically at meal times) anymore. My head was about to explode.

I remember the day. Just looking up to the heavens. Oh dear LORD, why won't this kid just TALK?!

And I remember so clearly the answer.

"You talk about him. You talk around him. How often do you talk to him?"

GULP.

That was it. I sat down. I looked at him. "Simon, it seems like you need something. Can I get you some more?"

This seems elementary. I know. It is!

But when you have 8,576,000 things to do and think about at one time and then a preschooler QUESTIONING your every move--- you don't take much time to talk to the screamer! You hear the scream and you do whatever has to be done to MAKE IT STOP.

Two days later he was asking for more. Praise you sweet Jesus. Seriously.

This got me thinking. God wanted me to focus on Simon. To build an intentional connection with him- an intentional relationship.

Through this seemingly small change, Simon was able to move into his full potential at the moment.

Relationship matters.

What would happen if we focused our energy for just one day, even, on being super intentional in our love and communication with the people around us? Would they, in turn, move into their full potential? Would we all feel more alive?

What would happen if we stopped talking about God-- but made a significant effort to speak with him. What would happen if we actually made our relationship with Jesus, a relationship that we pursued with focus, discipline and intention?

I bet there would be a change. I bet we would hear him. I bet prayers wouldn't seem so distant. We would know Him, and I bet His realness to us-- would be the light that we need to shine in darkness.

I hope that I can continue to pursue intentional relationships in my life. I hope my children see that,
and I hope that I hear one day I hear someone say to them, "You must get that from your mother!"

Yea and Amen!

Just some food for thought:

As parents, there is a lot of pressure (from ourselves mostly) to make sure that we follow-through with our discipline. When we say no, it means no. When we lay out the rules of the game then we are also going to make the heck sure the rules are followed; and if not the necessary action is taken. This is because kids need boundaries and they need to understand the repercussions of their choices. Consistency and follow through are essential to toddler living.

Yes. I get this.

But here's a challenge: What if we took the focus off that game for awhile. What if we tried playing a different game. The one that's called something like "every time we say "yes, later, I'll help you in a minute, we can do that after your nap, maybe another day" we actually follow-through and do it!

What would happen to our children if we focused our follow-through energies on the promises?

Chances are it would be easier for them to trust us. Chances are they would quit pushing the envelope so much. Chances are the outbursts would become less and they may even become more-- dare I say it-- reasonable! Chances are we would all have a lot more fun together.

Chances are they would learn that their parents are trustworthy and then therefore, so is God.

Whattya think? Up for it?

1 Corinthians 1:20 For as many as are the promises of God, in Him they are yes; therefore also through Him is our Amen to the glory of God through us. 

Spare the Rod...

Early on I learned that I needed to forget. 

So much of who we are as parents comes from what we have seen and experienced in the world around us. We start developing ideas on parenting way before we are aware by watching our own parents, watching our friends parents, following TV sitcom/ reality parents, and just through our own life experiences. Many of these experiences can be stored in our back pocket, and many of them forgotten. The struggle comes when deciding what goes in which category. 

I have a wide variety of parenting/childhood education skills to draw from. Between my own parents, babysitting, nannying and also working in the early childhood education field I have pretty much experienced every single philosophy one can imagine. I started forming ideas on what kind of parent I would be very early on. 

But then I had a kid. And I realized that God may have other plans for her. 

So starts the forgetting. 

As I prayed, I realized that I needed to isolate every single situation we faced together and bring it to God and find out how He would deal with it. 

This is a lot of work. I so wish that sometimes I could just default to a good old spank, generate the appropriate tearful reaction and voila! win that battle. I also wish that sometimes I could pull her away from a situation, stick her in a corner, make her think about what she has done, piss her off because she can't play with her toys and some how teach her not to repeat her previous behavior.

Ahhhhh power struggles :)

But this way, although sometimes seems so natural (Ahem, learned, so therefore right!) really isn't the way that God wanted me dealing with His child. His way actually requires me to be much more present  in my child's day, in her every action. His way requires me not to simply react but to become an active participant in every situation she faces. 

The biggest nugget God has given me so far is this: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 

1 John 4:18 

Did you catch that? God is love. There is no fear in love, therefore God. And fear has to do with punishment. There is no punishment in God. 

Woah, woah woah! Are you saying that you believe that we shouldn't punish our children? What about the whole "spare the rod, spoil the child" thing?

Yes, actually, that is exactly what I am saying. The biggest things that I have learned thus far as a parent is that first, the rod is not a spank. The rod is not punishment. The rod is DISCIPLINE. Discipline brings wisdom, discipline brings self-control and self- esteem. 

Punishment brings fear, shame  and guilt. 

So what does the difference look like? Well, I believe God has showed me that the difference is in the consequence. Discipline teaches and relies on choices and their natural consequences, punishment is put on, unnatural, it is conjured up, it is usually a result of a power struggle. 

I don't believe God punishes. I believe God is holy and sovereign and when we make choices according to His nature-- when we are obedient-- He can be close to us, therefore we experience His goodness. When we choose to disobey, He can't be as close to us because of His holiness and our unholiness. This is not a punishment, this is a natural consequence to our disobedience-- distance from God and therefore left to our own devices.

Ok, so how do I apply this to my child? Well, pretty much in every situation that we face I give her choices and I lay out the consequences. Then it's up to her what happens. 

She loves to watch me cook. Unfortunately, not everything on the counter is exactly safe for her to be touching. She knows that I want her to be safe. She also knows that if she chooses to stand at the counter and watch me cook--with her eyes-- then I am more than happy to have her company. If she chooses to watch me cook --with her hands-- then she is asked to get down, make a safer choice and find something else to do. She makes the choice and deals with the consequence.

When children have choices, they feel in control. They become more reasonable. Tantrums are less, crying is less, and battling is less! When they understand their choices and consequences there are no surprises and when they are actually allowed to make their own choices, they are not only learning to deal with the consequences, they are also building their own self- confidence, different levels of self-control and security in the world around them.

Sounds like a child on her way to developing the fruits of the Spirit no?

 I'll take that over a child crippled by feelings of shame and guilt any day! 

So thankful that I am not on this journey alone.

 God is even more invested in His child than I am, why not let Him take the reins?