Learn your baby

*** Disclaimer: The first half of this post is dripping with exaggeration and sarcasm. I know my husband will read this and say "welllllll, that's not entirely true." I'm going to extremes to make a point. Just keep reading!

It's becoming pretty clear to me, and probably to you, if you have been following this blog, that I struggle with control issues. I even considered renaming this blog to "control freaks anonymous" but I discovered something like this already exists. So then I considered joining the group. Kidding. Sort of.

You can imagine what happens when a struggling freak has a second baby. First baby slept so well, did everything so well... so second baby will too, if treated in the same. exact. way.

Let's just all take a minute and LOL over that one.

Well, that was me. Our first was a delightful little peach. Our lives didn't change much at all in the beginning. We took her everywhere and she just willingly and happily hung out. She was the definition of a baby who CHILLED. She LOVED a schedule. She loved consistency. So she was the PERFECT baby for me. She fit so well into my little controlled atmosphere.

People would comment. I would smile. Life was sweet.

Other people would have babies and they would ask "What did you do???" I would tell them of my "perfect" little routine that worked so well for us, and encouraged them (because OF COURSE it was the way we swaddled her, the way we sang to her, the way we fed her and napped her and bathed her....) that our way would work for them too!

But it didn't always.

Then I would hear the common excuse of "every baby is different." You've heard it too, right? I would smile and nod, secretly thinking... "no... every baby is the same, you just aren't doing this parenting thing RIGHT."

If you want,  please take another moment and LOL.

Then I had a second baby.

Although, we lived in a different apartment, I set it up the exact same way. Bassinet by the bed, nap nanny on the kitchen floor, burp cloths strategically placed around the house. I made sure the oldest was potty trained and binky free. (Only need to deal with ONE baby at a time, people!!) There were locks on the refrigerator, the bathroom door, and the closets, so that when I couldn't see the oldest I would know she was safe. She had a basket of special toys for when the baby had to nurse and everything was going to be JUST WONDERFUL.

Do it again. LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

Holy MOTHER! WHY DIDN'T THE SECOND BABY WANT HIS BINKY?!

Why did he want to nurse ALL the time?!

As I stood by his bassinet, with him swaddled the "right"  way, rocking him the "right"way so that he would get just sleepy enough to put down but not totally asleep, singing the SAME song I would sing to the first kid every time she would nap, and forcefully shoving the binky into his mouth.

I heard the whisper.

It said "Learn your baby."

WHAT?

"Learn your baby."

Oh. Damn.

What now?

I stopped rocking him. I held him. I let him sleep in my arms (just this ONE time, of course!). I took a big deep breath and let those words wash over me.

It was so easy to forget that this little baby was a special unique human being who had a special and unique personality.

There was no time to spend in babyland with a 2 year old toddler bouncing around. He was forgotten about all. the. time.

I actually remember being at a party when he was about 3 months old when someone asked me what my son's name was. I stared at them for a long time until they (finally) said "Is it Simon?"

I had COMPLETELY forgotten I had a son!!

It was time to take a step back and make a plan with God. Slow down, and figure out this baby. Slow down and love the beautifulness that he brought to the table.

In doing this, I have learned SO much about each of my children. Because of their differences I get to know them better. Because of their differences I am expanding my parenting abilities. Because of their differences I am

giving up control.

God is able to mold me and shape me more into the person He created me to be.

I get to spend time with God journaling and brainstorming how to raise each child. (see picture above from my last session)

It's not the same. Our parenting is always based on some of the same principles such as respect, love and boundaries; but these look different for each of them.

This makes me think of how many children God has. We are all different, but sometimes we expect Him to treat us all the same. Or even worse... we judge others because of how they feel God is dealing with them.

EEEEK.

God is BIG. We are intricate. He made us and He knows how to care for each of us.

It doesn't look the same.

I wonder how much more unified the church may look, if we could grasp this.

How much more love would be flying around??

Thanks God, thankful for this lesson. Rip the control, rip the RELIGION right out of me. I'm ready.

Are you?

The Three Essentials

I told God one day, "I want my (our) daughter to grow and learn and be healthy." Much to my surprise He didn't go on and on about the importance of always eating organic food, or keeping her away from sweets (Gosh, I wish He had because that would be the BEST excuse when explaining myself to family and friends). He didn't say anything about parenting philosophies, approaches to learning, or taking multi-vitamins either. This is what He said:

Sunlight. Fill her with the Word. Relax. 

That's what it takes?

I wasn't sure if I had heard the whole sunlight business correctly... I mean, what about SPF 155 and sun hats and umbrellas? But then I got to thinking... God created the sun, He would never create something that would destroy His people... I decided to do some research.

Did you know that living creatures survive because of sunlight? Plants need it to grow and we need it for energy and growth as well. We not only consume sunlight from being outside on a sunny day, we also get vitmain D and stored solar energy from the plants and animals that we consume.
Hello cellular respiration! Finally, biology class is coming in handy!

The latest research is also showing that EARLY exposure to sunlight decreases the risks for autoimmune diseases like multiple sclerosis and cancers like prostate and wait for it... MELANOMA! It seems that the people who have a history of being in the sun are more likely to recover from cancers like melanoma. Crazy. Absolutely crazy.

The list goes on...

[Now I realize that our world is broken, and that the sun and our atmosphere are not necessarily in tip top shape, I am certainly not negating the importance of sun safety. My point is that it was created for good-- and we should take advantage of that-- not fear it.]

Next up-- filling her with the Word. I must admit, this is one that I struggle with. How do you fill a baby/toddler with the Bible!? I've come to take this a couple of ways... there is the Bible, there are the words that God speaks to me, and there are the words God speaks to her.

As for the Bible, when she was a baby, I would read to her while she nursed. I imagined the sweet words of God seeping into her little brain, exciting her spirit, and nurturing her in the best way possible.

But then she became a toddler.

We read a little toddler Bible to her occasionally-- and when I read my "verse of the day" I try to remember to read it out loud to her. It seems as though her busy toddler self doesn't really care much for the Bible though. hmph.
I still believe that whether she is sitting quietly in my lap as I read or roaming around looking for a left over snack somewhere on the floor, the words of the Bible are seeping into her little brain, exciting her spirit and nurturing her in the best way possible :)

Then there are the words that I hear from God, that her dad hears and that even the other people around her hear. We believe these are just as important to growing a little life. Early on we started recording her history and soon after she was born I started writing down the things that God was speaking to me about being a mom. These may not serve her just yet, but eventually I know that these "words of God" will build her up and encourage her wherever she is at.

Finally there are the words that God speaks to her. This has been my favorite way by far of filling my child with the Word! We simply ask her to be still for a minute and see what God is saying to her, or sometimes we ask her if she would like to pray and wait to see what comes out!
She will often tell us that Jesus is saying her name... one time she prayed that her friend would come over the next day. I decided to keep my mouth shut and not tell her that her friend was not coming over--and good thing because the next day his mom called and asked if we could watch him for a couple of hours! How amazing it was to share that answer to prayer with her. Hopefully this type of simple communication will foster an incredible relationship between her and her Father.

Last, but certainly not least, was God telling me to chill out. I, and I think a lot of moms, can get quite crazy about- well- everything! Crazy about nap time, whether or not our kids are eating too much or too little or the wrong things. Crazy about how much time is spent on the iPhone or the television, and what they are actually watching on these devices! Or how about GOOGLE??! I find myself constantly googling symptoms and issues-- one time I even heard God say "do you trust me or google?" GULP.

Whisper His name in the whirlwind.

I once heard that said. Seems to be the cure to my craziness-- my key to relaxation.

It centers me-- whispering His name.

I also remind myself that my kids are His kids-- and before I lay them down to sleep I give them right back to him (well, let's be honest here-- when I remember!). Like, audibly tell myself and God, "here you go-- they are yours!"

So sunlight, word, relax. Seems easy.

It's not.

The busy-ness of this life seems to get in the way of most of what God teaches me.

But when I remember what God has spoken, life seems so much sweeter.

In these moments I learn exactly what it meant when Jesus said "my yoke is easy", and I can rest assured and in true trust that my children will grow and learn and be healthy.

Ask and you will receive!

Spare the Rod...

Early on I learned that I needed to forget. 

So much of who we are as parents comes from what we have seen and experienced in the world around us. We start developing ideas on parenting way before we are aware by watching our own parents, watching our friends parents, following TV sitcom/ reality parents, and just through our own life experiences. Many of these experiences can be stored in our back pocket, and many of them forgotten. The struggle comes when deciding what goes in which category. 

I have a wide variety of parenting/childhood education skills to draw from. Between my own parents, babysitting, nannying and also working in the early childhood education field I have pretty much experienced every single philosophy one can imagine. I started forming ideas on what kind of parent I would be very early on. 

But then I had a kid. And I realized that God may have other plans for her. 

So starts the forgetting. 

As I prayed, I realized that I needed to isolate every single situation we faced together and bring it to God and find out how He would deal with it. 

This is a lot of work. I so wish that sometimes I could just default to a good old spank, generate the appropriate tearful reaction and voila! win that battle. I also wish that sometimes I could pull her away from a situation, stick her in a corner, make her think about what she has done, piss her off because she can't play with her toys and some how teach her not to repeat her previous behavior.

Ahhhhh power struggles :)

But this way, although sometimes seems so natural (Ahem, learned, so therefore right!) really isn't the way that God wanted me dealing with His child. His way actually requires me to be much more present  in my child's day, in her every action. His way requires me not to simply react but to become an active participant in every situation she faces. 

The biggest nugget God has given me so far is this: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 

1 John 4:18 

Did you catch that? God is love. There is no fear in love, therefore God. And fear has to do with punishment. There is no punishment in God. 

Woah, woah woah! Are you saying that you believe that we shouldn't punish our children? What about the whole "spare the rod, spoil the child" thing?

Yes, actually, that is exactly what I am saying. The biggest things that I have learned thus far as a parent is that first, the rod is not a spank. The rod is not punishment. The rod is DISCIPLINE. Discipline brings wisdom, discipline brings self-control and self- esteem. 

Punishment brings fear, shame  and guilt. 

So what does the difference look like? Well, I believe God has showed me that the difference is in the consequence. Discipline teaches and relies on choices and their natural consequences, punishment is put on, unnatural, it is conjured up, it is usually a result of a power struggle. 

I don't believe God punishes. I believe God is holy and sovereign and when we make choices according to His nature-- when we are obedient-- He can be close to us, therefore we experience His goodness. When we choose to disobey, He can't be as close to us because of His holiness and our unholiness. This is not a punishment, this is a natural consequence to our disobedience-- distance from God and therefore left to our own devices.

Ok, so how do I apply this to my child? Well, pretty much in every situation that we face I give her choices and I lay out the consequences. Then it's up to her what happens. 

She loves to watch me cook. Unfortunately, not everything on the counter is exactly safe for her to be touching. She knows that I want her to be safe. She also knows that if she chooses to stand at the counter and watch me cook--with her eyes-- then I am more than happy to have her company. If she chooses to watch me cook --with her hands-- then she is asked to get down, make a safer choice and find something else to do. She makes the choice and deals with the consequence.

When children have choices, they feel in control. They become more reasonable. Tantrums are less, crying is less, and battling is less! When they understand their choices and consequences there are no surprises and when they are actually allowed to make their own choices, they are not only learning to deal with the consequences, they are also building their own self- confidence, different levels of self-control and security in the world around them.

Sounds like a child on her way to developing the fruits of the Spirit no?

 I'll take that over a child crippled by feelings of shame and guilt any day! 

So thankful that I am not on this journey alone.

 God is even more invested in His child than I am, why not let Him take the reins?

A History Lesson with God

Ever wonder what Freshman History might have been like if Jesus was your teacher?

I can't wait to one day see every day completely and totally from God's perspective. I bet I will belly laugh at the silly little things I let worry and stress me day by day.

Something that we like to do in our family is record our personal "history" so that in the dry times we can remember back to what God has done in our lives-- instant faith booster!
These personal histories not only serve as a faith builder, but we also use them to look back and see how God was moving through a certain situation or setting us up for something we were believing for when we didn't even know it.

A good example of this was when we found that we were going to have our first baby-- it was quite a surprise! A surprise as in, we weren't trying at all, and had actually planned on having a baby after we had been married for at least two or three years, but here we were coming up to our first anniversary and our little lady was on her way!

It would be a lie to say that we didn't errr... struggle, in the beginning with what was to come. I desperately needed to know WHY?
As I spent time with Jesus, Holy Spirit started to show me what was going on. When I looked back through my prayer journals and my recorded history I saw what was happening.

God totally wanted her and he wanted her now.

I was amazed to read prayers I had prayed about my children that I had forgotten about. And prayers about my health that later I realized were cured by having a baby!

Miracle worker from the start!

Eventually as the pregnancy went on, the prayers spoken over me were about this baby actually bringing me into my destiny. After 5 long years of praying for my purpose, an unexpected baby would bring me down the path God needed me on.

WOAH.

As I looked back, I realized that before this child was even born, she had a history with God.

We definitely needed to record it.

She is only two, yet she has pages of history already.

Gosh, I think of how different my life may have been if I had the opportunity to see how Jesus used me and moved in my life way before I was aware. Where would my faith be now?

If your child's history with God was recorded what would it say?

How much more of an appreciation would you have for that little soul?

And how much more would you be able to trust God with her?

What's Up with Free Will?

I never really thought too hard about the concept of free will. I could repeat back to you the standard reasons most Christians would say if asked "why did God choose to give us free will?" It would probably sound something like, "well, because He wanted us to choose to love Him, because that's true love." or the ever famous "God didn't create us to be robots." "God wants a relationship, and what kind of relationship is forced?"

These are the answers that I knew and could recite, but then I got pregnant.

Suddenly those answers were not good enough, because suddenly I was growing a child who I would have to raise and I really, really needed to assure myself that she would be a lover of God. Can I get an "amen"??

What the heck? How do you do that? How do you make sure that your child will want to be in relationship with Jesus? If someone has the answer PLEASE let me know.

This is what happened when I asked God. I sat down and I asked Him plainly "How do I make sure that this child you've given us will always love you?"

This is what I believe that He said.

 "Seek me. Love your daughter. Teach her what is best, then let her go." (gulp) <---- that was me, not God. " There's no way to assure that she will love Me- that's the consequence I faced when giving you free will."

Double gulp.

The concept of free will had never hit me so hard.

God made some BIG sacrifices in order to *maybe* have the relationship that He wanted to have with us. If I were God and could make sure that my children could know me and always have whats best whether they liked it or not, heck yes I would make sure of that! What's up G???!

Recently this has come up again. My husband and I have been talking a lot of about this sacrifice. A couple of months ago, well into my second pregnancy, hubster really struggled with the idea of why God would create us in the first place and then on top of that, why God would give us free will. We discussed back and forth about the idea of companionship, about the idea of God wanting friends and also created us to be people who would love to serve Him and worship Him.

The hub was really questioning why such a good God would bring people into the world when He knew that they would have free will, He knew that they may not choose Him, and He knew that because of the brokenness of the earth, bad things were bound to happen... even to good people, even to lovers of God.

I kept telling him that God knows what our lives will be like once the Kingdom and the earth fully collide. We have to trust that the goodness that we will experience will far outweigh the horror that we see on the earth. We have to trust that any person, no matter what they have gone through, will say "I would do it all over again to bask in the glory of God."

That answer didn't seem like enough. God still seemed so selfish. Then I thought for a moment.
I asked him, "We know how f'd up this world can get. We know that horrible things happen here, yet we are choosing to bring another life into this world. Explain that one to me, and then maybe you will catch a glimpse of the Father's heart."

And it all comes down to LOVE. A crazy love that I can't wait to experience in it's fullest.

Why did you choose to bring children into this world? Please share! I want to know more about the Father!!!

There's enough grace to go around

There's really no way around it: parenting is tough stuff.

If we didn't have enough going on already, between work, maintaining relationships with our friends and family, caring for a home which includes, quite possibly, a pet of some sort and of course, pursuing a romantic relationship, then life tacks on a baby.

A baby, is a baby. Impossible not to love and superior in our hierarchy system to many of these other responsibilities. The problem is, just because a baby appears doesn't mean the other things disappear. So we find ourselves having to live life as it were, but now, as a mom or dad.

Somehow by the grace of God we manage.
We juggle everything at once and many of us say that we wouldn't do a thing differently, and probably, we wouldn't. But can we all agree that it's not always easy? That walking through life with the constant reminder that another human being relies solely on us can be a daunting thought?

I often think about Mary (as in the mother of Jesus). I think about how she must have felt giving birth to, and raising the actual Son of God. I think about her pregnancy and her unassisted manger birth. I think about how she may have decided how to deal with toddler conflicts and sibling rivalry. I think about how her and Joseph may have talked to Jesus about sex and love, or even what they did when Jesus accidentally pooped his tunic because he was too busy playing to go to the bathroom. I think about this all in the context of Mary raising JESUS, God's actual child.
 I think "Holy smokes! You must have been a woman of so much grace. You also must have gone crazy at least 4 days out of the week!"

I hear a still and small voice whisper to me: "You are raising a child of God as well."

Ummm... was that supposed to make me feel better?

I continue thinking to myself, "well, the child of God that I am raising  walked out of the bathroom with a razor in her mouth the other day. She also decided she wanted to only pee outside on the ground like a dog from now on, and lately (at the bold age of 2) she has taken to calling her parents by their first names."
Just as I am feeling like a complete failure I remember the story of Mary and Joseph traveling on a long journey back home when they realize that they haven't seen Jesus in three whole days. They lost Jesus!

The revelation almost makes me giddy. Mary and Joseph actually LOST the Son of God and well, He came out perfect!

I hear the voice again "You too, are a woman of grace."